A Poem about pushing through Fear: Push
If you are just starting out in your journey towards holistically healing yourself through self-love then you are probably aware that you have many fears, but you aren't ready to tackle those fears just yet. And that is okay. I am six years in to my journey and I am just now touching the surface of processing my fears. It is a very scary thing and not something that you do in the beginning of your journey, as when you are faced with your fears in the beginning, I find this is often why people stop their journey towards healing.
That isn't to say that you have to avoid fear all together out of fear. I just recommend to take it slow and do small exercises to help you understand where your fear is coming from. This will help you better discover yourself and gain clarity behind those things that cause you anxiety.
If we are in a relationship and we still have some self-discovery to do (let's be honest, that is everyone that is in a relationship at this moment), then we likely make decisions out of fear. Unless we are a master of meditation, which allows us to slow down our thoughts, then we are probably in the habit of reacting to a situation before we think, and even reflect on our feelings before we even react. If mastering fear was a video game, I would probably put it at the end right before you "win the game".
I read in a book once that F.E.A.R stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. What does that even mean? It means that in the moment what you are experiencing feels very real and you might even have evidence to support that feeling! But what it is in reality is a self-generated fear that holds us captive and keeps us from living our lives. Every time that we experience F.E.A.R, try to reflect on the situation and name it for what it actually is. Fear isn't something that we want to continue to ignore, it is important to take baby steps towards discovering the reasons behind why we were feeling fearful, so we can heal from whatever it is that caused us to feel that way.
How do you know when you are experiencing fear? The immediate effect of fear is to shut down emotionally, shutting off your heart. When I am experiencing this I cannot feel love, I do not want affection, and I dismiss all attempts to be friendly. This is when I know that I am experiencing fear, and in that alone time I give myself afterwards, that it is a good time to do a little exercise to discover what it is that caused it, label it as FEAR, remind myself that it is false evidence appearing real, and that I need to open my heart back up.
By Susan Evans
My emotions are not safe around you
I scramble to build a wall
Knowing you lack awareness
I resist the urge to bawl
Even when tears start to slip
You fail to recognize my pain
Staring at me as if I am an alien
Grimacing in distain
Sitting there thinking
I am a fighter, got to be strong
Why did I choose to be vulnerable?
As you tell me why I am wrong
Each time you choose not to listen
Continuing to engage
I plea for you to stop
Before it turns to rage
I resist those salty tears pouring down my face
While still listening to you carry on
I am angry those tears could not wait
Wishing that you were gone
If only you did not see me like this
I would not be reminded why
I am only safe when alone
Alone is where it is safe to cry
I do not have the luxury
Of letting my emotions bottle up
If I allow them to become too high
Like a volcano, they will erupt
I do need to stay in control
But not for reasons that you think
You have witnessed what can happen
Yet, you still push me to the brink